Never Much to Do
by iszatright
Summary: "It was seldom that Harley interacted with male guards anymore. Apparently the Joker didn't like sharing what belonged to him." A look at how the Joker passes the time during a stay in Arkham Asylum.


_Disclaimer: Don't own DC comics or any of the characters. No profit is being made and so on and so forth..._

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**Never Much to Do**

It was rare that the Joker was allowed to have any female doctors anymore. Not because of the incident with Doctor Harleen Quinzel, but because of the jealousy of Harley Quinn.

"I saw the way she looked at him, Joan. Eyein' up my Puddin' like that," Harley huffed, "She deserved it."

Doctor Leland tapped her pen, fully exhausted as she sat in front of a girl who had just put a doctor in the ICU for - apparently -_ looking _at the Joker the wrong way. "She was married, Harley. I'm not quite sure that she was interested in him the way you thought she was."

"Married?" Harley rolled her eyes. "Like some piece of paper will stop her from tryin' to get with my Puddin'." She smiled triumphantly. "But I showed her - shoulda seen the look on her face too - especially when I rammed that fork into her eye."

Joan watched as the girl began giggling to herself, recalling the details of the gruesome attack. And now, just like the object of her affections had lost it years ago, she too would be losing privileges to the cafeteria's food utensils. Harley groaned as she told that part - apparently she would sneak them to the Joker - which, at the very least, explained how the hell he kept getting his hands on those plastic forks and knives.

"You don't feel bad for what you did, Harley? Not at all?" Just as she had been trying to session after session, Dr Leland tried appealing to the woman's more _sane _side.

"Feel bad?" Harley raised an eyebrow, "What for? She shoulda known about my Puddin'. He's _mine_."

Then she continued to talk about her favorite subject, hoping he wouldn't be too mad at her regarding her newly-lost privileges.

Joan debated ending the session early.

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It was seldom that Harley interacted with male guards anymore. Apparently the Joker didn't like sharing what belonged to him.

"Please doc," The Joker rolled his eyes, "How could it have possibly been me? I mean honestly," He scoffed, "You people practically have me locked up all day."

"He was," The doctor swallowed, "There was a grin stretched across his face when they found him."

That did it. The Joker burst into laughter. "I tried doc, I really did, but keeping a straight face and denying it is just too much work," He grinned wide, "And you should've seen the look on his face when he realized what I'd done to him!" He giggled to himself, "It was priceless, doc - best fun I've had in _weeks_."

"Any reason as to why you killed him, Joker?"

"Reason?" Joker raised an eyebrow, looking thoroughly confused. "What do I need a reason for, doc? Don't you know I'm _crazy_?" He burst into laughter again.

"That's the fourth guard you've killed this month. The other guards informed me that they had all been assigned to Harley Quinn, and I doubt that that's a mere coincidence."

The Joker calmed down, smiling at the man again. "You got me, doc. But what can I say?" He held his hands up innocently, "They shouldn't have been touching my things."

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There wasn't much to do at Arkham Asylum. Except maybe kill the guards, threaten the doctors, and mess with Harley.

"-and that's when I told him, Mistah J. I said 'just wait until I tell my Puddin'!'." He was certain she had gone on with her incessant chatter for a good ten minutes now. Not that he remembered much of it. Something about a guard being rude to her maybe?

...Well, either way, he didn't really care.

"Mistah J?"

He looked over, realizing she had been expecting a response. "Hm?"

"Are you gonna do somethin' to him? Since he shoved me into that wall, I mean." She hugged his arm as she sat next to him on the couch.

He blinked, thoroughly confused. "Someone shoved you into a wall?"

"Mistah J!" She pouted, "You weren't even payin' attention to anything I said, were you?" She huffed, crossing her arms. He burst into laughter.

"Of course I was, Pumpkin Pie," He wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her close, "And I'll bash his head in for you, hm?"

She beamed, ecstatic as she leaned against him, "You're the bestest ever, Mistah J," She snuggled against him, smiling widely. But the Joker had already lost interest, instead noticing as a brunette walked into the room.

He immediately shoved Harley off him, pushing her to the other side of the couch.

"Doc!" He called out, grinning widely at the brown haired woman. She froze at the sound of his voice, her whole body rigid.

Slowly, she turned towards him. He beckoned her over.

A guard came with.

"Mr Joker, how are you feeling today?" It was painfully obvious that her smile was forced.

He glanced over, happy to see Harley watching. "Much better now that I've seen you, Doc." The woman stiffened, eyes darting to Harley for a moment.

"W-well I'm glad to hear that, but I'm afraid I can't talk long. I have an appointment to attend to."

He gave her his most charming grin. "Oh of course, doc. Don't let me keep you here, I'll see you in our next session, hm?"

She kept up the forced smile. "Y-yes. Next session then." And she abruptly turned, heels clicking fast as she sped out of the room.

Harley immediately slid back next to him. "Who was that, Puddin'?"

He smiled, "My new doctor. Pretty, isn't she?" He looked at Harley, holding back laughter as she suddenly seemed very disappointed.

"Well sure Puddin', but I'm pretty too, aren't I?" She pulled at his arm, sounding desperate.

He blinked, trying his best to look disinterested. "Sure you are, Harl." He inwardly laughed as she bit her lip, obviously hurt. "But even her personality - well, you saw it - great, isn't she?" He continued on with the topic. Harley tried her best to nuzzle herself against him even further.

"I've got a great personality too, Puddin'. I'm always tryin' to cheer you up and make ya happy, after all."

He rolled his eyes, looking at her in distaste. "It's not much of a conversation if you just keep talking about _yourself_, Harley." He moved to the other side of the couch, prying her off of him and shoving her aside once more. "Now be a dear and go somewhere else, hm? Otherwise you'll end up with a few bruises and I'll be locked up in confinement again." He turned, opting to completely ignore her now.

"But Puddin'," She whined, moving close to him for the hundredth time.

But when she went to grab for his arm his hand went out, backhanding her. _Hard_. "Did you not hear me?" He asked her darkly, pleased that none of the guards were watching them.

She bit her lip, putting her hand on the abused cheek. "Okay Puddin'," She answered meekly, "I'll just see ya some other time, then."

Three days later she swiped a fork from the cafeteria and lodged it in his doctor's eye. He couldn't exactly agree with her methods now that she couldn't sneak him utensils anymore, but at the very least it had killed some time. And set a new record. It took almost a month before she had attacked the last doctor he flirted with.

Perhaps he should move on to the nurses now. Or maybe they'd be stupid enough to give him another female doctor again.

He hoped so.


End file.
